While reading for class this week, I came across this passage from an essay on womens' relationships by Adrienne Rich:

It isn't that to have an honorable relationship with you, I have to understand everything, or tell you everything at once, or that I can know beforehand, everything I need to tell you.

It means that most of the time I am eager, longing for the possibility of telling you. That these possibilities may seem frightening, but not destructive, to me. That I feel strong enough to hear your tentative and groping words. That we both know we are trying, all the time, to extend the possibilities of truth between us.

The possibility of life between us.

I read this, and I think.....I want to feel this way in my relationships with my husband, my children, my family, my friends. I want to be "eager, longing for the possibility of telling" my secrets, my dreams with those I say I love the most. I want to be able to trust someone with me, just me; not the me I put on every morning, but the me I shove underneath in order to protect. No one really knows me except for God...I don't even think I know me.

I am almost 30, but in many ways I still feel like I did at 16...unsure of who I am, of what I am supposed to be doing, of what I really believe in. I see people, talk to people and I can tell they really, I mean really, trust God. A couple weeks ago in church we sang the song "Blessed Be the Name of the Lord", and it seems every time we sing it a man who lost his 9-year old daughter is up there on stage playing guitar. I look at him as we sing, "You give and take away, still my heart will choose to say, blessed be the name of the Lord", and I think, could I see this song if God allowed one of my children to die so young? Would I trust Him? I want to trust Him like that. Yet, I know learning to trust requires handing over control, a risk all too often I am not willing to take.

In a way, I see the above passage as the cry of my soul to God, when I allow her to speak freely; although, God's voice is certainly not tentative or groping. I don't have to understand everything about Him, or need to tell Him everything (He already knows it all). I am eager to tell Him, though I don't always know what. The possibility of intimacy with Him does seem frightening to me, but in no way do I see Him as destructive, though He seeks to break down the walls I build between Him and I. He is, even when I am not, " trying, all the time, to extend the possibilities of truth between us. The possibility of life between us."

Apparently, we have monsters in our house. These monsters do anything from break the toothbrush holder to drawing on the toilet and bathtub (at least they used a pencil). They also make messes in rooms and spill milk all over the table. Since, I cannot see them, I assume they are invisible or maybe you just have to be three years old before they will reveal themselves to you.

So, any suggestions on teaching the concept of "telling the truth" to an almost four year old?

This could have been worded better:

From this article in the Dallas Morning News

"Texas has made less headway in reducing teen births than the nation as a whole, according to data in the Annie E. Casey Foundation's annual Kids Count report to be released today."

Don't you need to prevent the pregnancy before you can prevent the birth?

Here's some of the books I am thinking about for this summer:

Infidel and A Caged Virgin by Ayaan Hirsi Ali

The Fall of the Evangelical Nation by Christine Wicker (read an editorial in the Sunday paper that sparked my interest)

The Body Project by Joan Jacobs Brumberg ( I actually read this about 3 years ago, but I want to read it again)

Without a Map by Meredith Hall

I think I am going to need more hours in my day....

I am required to read four complete non-fiction works in two genres, i.e. biography, memoir, current events, history, or literary journalism, over the course of the next 10 weeks (500 word summaries required). In addition to those, I must read two other books, Three Cups of Tea and one other on women, globalization and culture (comparative book review required), and there's the essay book and the textbook to read also. All of these also require discussion board participation. It's a good thing I finally trained Kayleigh to play quietly in her room while the others are taking naps; she even falls asleep half the time. I am choosing the reading track for this course; there is a writing and a conference track available, but I think the reading one fits my taste right now. I wouldn't mind trying my hand at writing creative non-fiction sometime in the future; it appeals to my editorial writer aspiration. My exposure to the genre is very limited, so I am looking forward to reading more of it this summer.

Anyone have suggestions on what four books I should read? I was thinking of reading two memoirs and two works of literary journalism. I don't get out much, so I have no idea of what's out there.

Eureka!!

I think I have found the trick to get Kayleigh to stop sucking her fingers! JellyBeans! I set a time frame, say 30 minutes, and if she doesn't suck fingers during that time frame, she gets a JellyBean. I also enroll her friends to tattle on her (I know, it's mean, oh well).

Something I am not looking forward to....taking the pacifier away from William. I should have listened to all the baby books that tell you take it away before 6 months of age. He is only allowed to have it if he is in bed, so it should be a little easier, but this is not going to be fun!

Something I am looking forward to.....my summer class, Literary Non-fiction. From glancing at the required books, this looks to be a pretty fun course!

Well, kids are climbing the walls...literally!

Stacation

Since Saturday we've been practicing for what it'll be like when we're empty nesters. Or at the minimum have kids old enough to supervise themselves to some extent. Our kiddos have been at grandparents since then (1/2 with mine, 1/2 with Michelle's), and we'll get them back Thursday.

Now, don't get me wrong, I've been tempted to drop in on them to see them and hang out, but it has been wonderful being able to get a lot of stuff done around the house that is difficult with the two little ones. That and Michelle is able to help out rather than constantly being hounded by kids. We've painted the kitchen and foyer, finished painting a lot of door trim, prepped The Boy's room for painting, and prepped the living room. We've also done a massive spring cleaning effort and took a carload of stuff to CCA. And I put in a new garage door opener.

This is our vacation. I actually read a term that calls it a Stacation (Stay at Home Vacation) Yeah, doesn't sound "fun" does it. But, I actually do feel good because we've gotten a lot of stuff done that I've been wanting to get done and it feels good to have it completed. But it's not all work and no play. We've had "date night" every night of the week. We've seen 2 movies in the theater and it's been probably 6 months to a year since we've gotten to do that. And Michelle got a hottie mom haircut.

We were going to go on a cruise for our vacation, but ended up needing to cancel. Then we were going to rent a condo on the beach for a few days, but felt that the money there would be better spent doing these things around the house. We also got a new mattress a couple weeks ago when we decided we weren't going anywhere. But, since I still had grandparent's lined up to watch the kids, I wasn't going to let them off the hook that easy. Hence the empty house right now.

Alright, the day is starting. I've got 6 doors to rout and hang and then I've got to get my garage cleaned back up from being the workspace to park vehicles back in again.

Woo Hoo!! Final project for the Women's Studies course is complete and submitted! I am so glad to be done with that course. Not that it wasn't interesting or eye-opening in many cases, but it's nice to be finished with school for a month or so.

In other news....

It's official, we will be Sonlighters for at least the next year or three! I am excited about starting this curriculum with Kayleigh and the other kiddos I watch. I think a little more structure to their day will help with the bickering that has started happening daily. They seem to get tired of each other sooner than they used to, plus Kayleigh loves "doing school". Sonlight is literature based, so I'll pretty much be reading stories to them all year and adding phonics and math where appropriate. I have three different levels to teach to, so it should be interesting. There's Kayleigh who can read any three to four letter word with a short vowel sounds. Then there are two who are ready to learn letter sounds and beginning words. And then there's William who just needs to be introduced to the alphabet and numbers. All this curriculum planning makes me think about opening a preschool...but I really don't want all the business hassles of that!

The idea of homeschooling it still pretty scary to me. I worry that somehow I am going to mess up their education by not teaching something correctly. Then I worry that they will have social dysfunctions. But I really feel homeschooling is the best thing for them right now....we are taking it one year at a time, one kid a time.

Guess who this is......

PS: a certain someone named Nathan should have a good idea!

Somebody Got Herself a New Grill

You read that pronoun right. Michelle made me give in an go buy a new grill. I so frugal/stingy/cheap (pick your adjective) that I've been wanting one but never could bring myself to pull the trigger on it. But Michelle wanted to have more grilled meals and since my old one was such a piece of junk, they never turned out right.

Since today was gorgeous and we had been cooped up inside most of the day priming our master bathroom for painting (pictures to follow), it was a great opportunity to eat outside. I suppose next I need some real outdoor furniture.

A few months ago my mom came back from my Granny's with a bag of yarn...this is the first finished project from that bag. The pattern was for infants, but I did some tweaking that actually worked and it fits the girl. I'm not sure how Daddy is going to feel about the open back, but I think it will be cute even with a tank top underneath.

I have never quite understood how such little people can make so much noise! Right now I feel like I am in an elevator with a 12 piece brass band! I can't wait for lunch because when their mouths are full of food there is a brief moment of silence! Usually the chaos doesn't bother me, but today it's about to drive me nuts!

SNOW!!!

Amazing Finds

#1--I am not what one would call a "natural" teacher...my mother-in-law is and I am totally amazed at how she turns almost everything into some kind of learning experience. I wish I had that gift, but since I do not, I like to surf the net for free resources. A couple days ago I came across this website: Hubbard's Cupboard. I haven't had the chance to look at all of it, but what I have seen looks pretty cool. She has a whole list of Bible verses set to song for memorization that I might have to use for myself! I am thinking of using the 4's curriculum with Kayleigh next year; it seems like something she would enjoy.

#2--This past Sunday I picked up a book from the church library(check it out if haven't lately), Choices by Mary Farrar, wife to Steve Farrar. I was totally captured by these words in the Intro:

"As the struggle (internal) continued, I felt a sense of--dare I say it--futility creeping into my life. It wasn't that I minded doing the laundry or cleaning the mildew out of the shower. But I was discovering something I didn't expect. Isolated from the outside world and enveloped in the daily demands of caring for a home, I was finding the gap between the home and the outside world to be far greater than I had ever imagined."

This is exactly the struggle I have been feeling for quite some time, but couldn't put my finger on what words to describe it. The first few chapters explain how the make-up of the home has change drastically over the last 150 years or so. The word "work" used to describe what a woman does daily within her home: raising and educating her children, keeping house, sewing, cooking, etc. Now "work" is something you do outside of the home...think about it, we call women who choose to stay at home "stay-at-home" moms, like all they do is sit around the house all day., instead of describing the as "work-at-home" moms. The modern feminist movement grew out of women losing their sense of value and importance as the makers and keepers of the home. I have not finished the book, but I'll let you know my final thoughts when I do.

Well , I have work to do...talk at ya later.

****Bragging Wife Alert****

I was thinking this morning that I brag about my children way more than I do about my husband. It's so easy to let the kids take the focus of my life simply because they have the bulk of my time and attention right now. Justin was around before they came along and will hopefully be with me much longer than they will., so I spent the morning thinking about all the reasons I am proud of him. I think when you live with someone day in and day out you tend to get focused on everything that drives you batty about them. Taking time to list what you admire about them really changes your perspective. So, in no particular order:

• He is an amazing financial planner and we rarely have any debt; which in this society says a lot.
• He cares about providing a stable present and future for me and the kiddos, and therefore, works hard at what he does.
• The line of work he is in generally requires a college degree, but he's so intelligent that he can do it without one.
• Just because he has a good job without having a degree, doesn't mean he isn't diligently working towards one.
• Somehow he balances work, family, church, school and all his other responsibilities without going crazy.
• He is supportive of my desire to stay home with the kiddos, even though me going to work would relieve some of the stress he feels about providing for us.
• He is an awesome servant...if someone has a need and he can fill it, he's there. That's why he served as a preschool Sunday School coordinator for about two and a half years despite the fact that he really doesn't like small children (unless they belong to him, even then it's questionable).
  
• I am not the easiest person to live with, but he is patient with me and doesn't let on that I annoy him too much.

There's more, but my mind is having a hard time putting them into words.

This semester I am taking an introductory Women's Studies course, and while I am learning many facts I did not know previously, there are some facts I would rather not be aware of. For instance, while researching information on abortion for a reading response I came across this number....857,475. That's the total number of abortions reported for 2000. What I find even more disturbing is this number 1.4%, the percentage of abortions performed after 21 weeks gestation. Now 1.4% sounds like a small number, but 1.4% of 857.475 is 12, 004. Now does that number seem small? Most abortion supporters make themselves feel better because of this number: 87%--the percentage of abortion performed before 13 weeks. They rationalize, saying that the fetus isn't really a human being. Well, when I was pregnant with William, I had sonograms about every 3 weeks starting at 6 weeks gestation. I saw his heart beat when his little body was only 4 weeks old...now tell me, how is that not proof of his humanity.

Please do not misunderstand me...I am a realistic person who understands not everyone shares my believe on when life begins, so I do not believe abortion should be made illegal. I do believe, however, the procedure needs to be more controlled. Too many women see abortion as a means of birth control. I know one women in particular who had 9 before she was 27 years old. And it is obvious to me that if at least 857,475 unintended pregnancies occurred, women are seriously in the dark in regards to how their bodies and reproductive systems work. And don't get me started on the "safe sex" education debate...apparently women aren't listening.

Enough of my soap box...I'll get down now.

***Another Bragging Parent Alert***

So William doesn't feel left out.....I was beginning to wonder when this child would ever begin to speak, but in the last week he has started using about 10 words regularly. I think he knew how to say them all along and was just waiting until he had good reason to use them.

Here's his vocabulary:

"Mama"--finally!
"Ball"
"Door"
"Book"
"Drink"
"Bath"
"Down"
"Baby"
"Baba"--his pacifier
"Night-night"

While looking through some pictures, I found this one. I miss her little baby curls!

**Bragging Parent Alert**

Kayleigh was coloring yesterday and yelled out, "Mommy I wrote my name!". I, of course, blew it off thinking she had done her usually scribbling that she calls writing. Well, when I walked over to look at her paper this is what I saw:



Starting with the pink "K" is a pretty recognizable "Kaylei" followed by a scribble and an "h". Of course the "a" is backwards, but that's totally normal for a three-year old. I have not begun instructing her on handwriting, but I am beginning to think I might need to before she develops incorrect writing techniques. Right now we are concentrating on phonics and basic math with a little art and science thrown in. I was worried that I was beginning to school her too early, but she actually requests to "do school" on a regular basis, so I don't think I am rushing her into it.

So nuch to do, so Few Resources

Economics was defined to me as how to allocate scarce resources to the consumption or creation of goods and services.

I have plenty of goods I would like to consume, but not enough resources (defined for me as time and money).

An economics lesson sounds kind of odd for a post, but the topic is: home improvement

I have a massive list of things I would like to do to the house to update it and, in some instances, upgrade it. Mostly, though, it's updating which is unfortunately a necessity in order to maintain market value. I always have one foot out the door and want to make sure I can maximize my return of equity if I had to sell my house due to some catastrophic or unexpected event.

My list:

1. Replace 6 windows and a sliding door.
2. Add some more insulation to the attic.
3. Outside A/C compressor (I'm the kind of guy who would spend $4,000 to save $50 a month)
4. Replace carpet with wood or laminate flooring.
5. Replace the Living Room ceiling fan.
6. Purchase and install fans in the dining (soon to be study/den), master bathroom, and kitchen.
   
7. Closet organization for master closet
8. Paint: kitchen, living, breakfast, hallway, master bath, and Wm's room
9. Add skylights to the living room. It doesn't get any direct light.
10. Replace smooth front doors with 6 panel
11. Paint all the door trim white instead of definitely-dated-woody-brown.
12. Crown moulding
13. Captain's beds with built in drawers for the kids (not so much a home improvement as a furniture improvement)
14. Re-stain cabinets in kids bath, master bath, and kitchen
15. Texture walls in kitchen and master bath

I think that covers most of it. I'm probably missing some, but my wallet hurts already after typing that list. My number 1 is probably doing the door trim and painting rooms. That, more than any other, will make the most difference in the feel of the house.

So, what are some of everyone else's highest desire/priority projects around the house?
Of my list, what would anybody recommend I do first? (Tara, if you read this you can't answer since you're already telling me these things :) )